Bacteria

I started a colony of super helpful bacteria in my refrigerator today.  It was easy.  All I had to do was pack up my mobile microbiology harvesting lab on my motorcycle (which I kick started because electric starters and machines that run on battery-generated power are LAAAAAAAAME) and headed down to the Delaware River.  Did you know that our local watershed is chock full of life-improving bacteria that no one even bothers to care about much less use to their advantage in every possible facet of their lives? I did. 

When I got to the river, there were two men standing knee deep in the water washing their socks.  One of them offered me a cigarette. (No thanks, I don’t smoke, dickbag.)  Unfortunately, when I tried to kick start the microbiology harvesting lab (MHL) it wouldn’t turn over.  No big deal, though.  The best way to harvest bacteria is on the skin and within the holes of your very own body.   I dove in and swam to Camden just for good measure (there is so much good bacteria in Camden!).  It took me around 4 minutes to get there and back in a perfectly 100% straight line. Luckily, I’m such a strong swimmer that the natural movement of the current had no effect on me at all and thus did not sway my route by anything more than a millimeter or two.

To keep the wind from displacing any bacteria on the motorcycle ride home, I covered myself in a thick blue plastic tarpaulin, completely enshrouding the entire surface of my body including hands and feet leaving only one hole for my left eye (people who can’t drive well with one eye shouldn’t be driving at all!).  Once I got home, I stripped out of the tarpaulin and scraped it clean with a squeegee then shamwowed my entire body plus the deep crevices which I then wrung out into a jar and stuck in the refrigerator.

In only a few hours time, the water in the jar had turned purpley red and began pulsating wildly.  That meant it was ready!  You can do anything with it.  Drink it to stay regular; sprinkle it in your dog’s bowl to give him an extra shiny coat and double sharp hearing (within two more bacto harvests Cy Cy will be  speaking perfect English, bank on it, bitches!!); use it to clean the wheelwells of your Falcon; throw it in the face of shitty chickens that never make enough eggs even though you love them so much; clean feces off the sidewalk; go back in time to show everyone in Kansas how cool wolves are and how cool you’ve become for liking them; make people on Craigslist buy back some of the wheeled vehicles that you, for some reason, cannot stop purchasing with reckless, thoughtless abandon; make your hair short on the sides and pretty on top like a pompadour; make all the hottest girls make out with you all the time; make all the weirdest, bearded dudes make out with you all time; make loud birds shut up; it’s a great butter substitute; the bacteria will write your blog for you; it can darn your Western shirts and unitards; it will walk around pointing at the big red butthole on your sock monkey costume so that everyone knows where the big red butthole is; it can glue pennies to floors, pennies to pennies, pennies to nickels, or pennies to other currencies; it can fix the plumbing at shore houses; it can take photos of your legs in various places throughout the city or time itself; it can perform the work functions of a Comcast Data Lead 1; it even brunches at One Shot!

Thank me later, dudes!