Cars and dudes

If you know anything about me you know that I am an amazing mechanic and that I can fix/build anything all by myself.  I learned many of these skills from my dad.  My dad taught me everything that I know in regards to mechanics and plumbing.  He may have also helped me become so emotionally expressive as well. The last time that I was home in Indiana my dad and I rebuilt engines and, finally, I was able to beat him in time trials.  I mean, he is so old anyway.

After I beat him in engine rebuilding, my dad helped me to acquire a vintage vehicle.  It is a super rare machine, I mean there is no way that you have even heard if it, there are only about 3 others in existence. It is a piece of shit, but it looks really cool if you can look past the rust.  It is so impressive to all of the three dudes at the car repair shop who recognize the rare vehicle. (I stop by there once in a while to fix other people's cars and motorcycles for fun). The car, or should I say machine, is about 97% rust but, obviously, I know how to turn rust back into metal so the ole girl will be back on the road in no time.

When my the car was dropped off, I totally got hit on by the tow truck operator, Carlos.  I mean, I was wearing overalls and flannel so how could he possibly resist?  Carlos asked me for my number and then we swapped tips and tricks on fixing up old, shitty, useless cars.  I then challenged him to a push up contest, don't worry, I won.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that if you have a killer dad who teaches you how to do everything yourself, you can eventually fix things even better than him.  One day you can turn rust into metal and get hit on my the tow truck dude named Carlos.  It is easy, anyone can do it.  Do Everything Yourself.  DEY. 

Bacteria

I started a colony of super helpful bacteria in my refrigerator today.  It was easy.  All I had to do was pack up my mobile microbiology harvesting lab on my motorcycle (which I kick started because electric starters and machines that run on battery-generated power are LAAAAAAAAME) and headed down to the Delaware River.  Did you know that our local watershed is chock full of life-improving bacteria that no one even bothers to care about much less use to their advantage in every possible facet of their lives? I did. 

When I got to the river, there were two men standing knee deep in the water washing their socks.  One of them offered me a cigarette. (No thanks, I don’t smoke, dickbag.)  Unfortunately, when I tried to kick start the microbiology harvesting lab (MHL) it wouldn’t turn over.  No big deal, though.  The best way to harvest bacteria is on the skin and within the holes of your very own body.   I dove in and swam to Camden just for good measure (there is so much good bacteria in Camden!).  It took me around 4 minutes to get there and back in a perfectly 100% straight line. Luckily, I’m such a strong swimmer that the natural movement of the current had no effect on me at all and thus did not sway my route by anything more than a millimeter or two.

To keep the wind from displacing any bacteria on the motorcycle ride home, I covered myself in a thick blue plastic tarpaulin, completely enshrouding the entire surface of my body including hands and feet leaving only one hole for my left eye (people who can’t drive well with one eye shouldn’t be driving at all!).  Once I got home, I stripped out of the tarpaulin and scraped it clean with a squeegee then shamwowed my entire body plus the deep crevices which I then wrung out into a jar and stuck in the refrigerator.

In only a few hours time, the water in the jar had turned purpley red and began pulsating wildly.  That meant it was ready!  You can do anything with it.  Drink it to stay regular; sprinkle it in your dog’s bowl to give him an extra shiny coat and double sharp hearing (within two more bacto harvests Cy Cy will be  speaking perfect English, bank on it, bitches!!); use it to clean the wheelwells of your Falcon; throw it in the face of shitty chickens that never make enough eggs even though you love them so much; clean feces off the sidewalk; go back in time to show everyone in Kansas how cool wolves are and how cool you’ve become for liking them; make people on Craigslist buy back some of the wheeled vehicles that you, for some reason, cannot stop purchasing with reckless, thoughtless abandon; make your hair short on the sides and pretty on top like a pompadour; make all the hottest girls make out with you all the time; make all the weirdest, bearded dudes make out with you all time; make loud birds shut up; it’s a great butter substitute; the bacteria will write your blog for you; it can darn your Western shirts and unitards; it will walk around pointing at the big red butthole on your sock monkey costume so that everyone knows where the big red butthole is; it can glue pennies to floors, pennies to pennies, pennies to nickels, or pennies to other currencies; it can fix the plumbing at shore houses; it can take photos of your legs in various places throughout the city or time itself; it can perform the work functions of a Comcast Data Lead 1; it even brunches at One Shot!

Thank me later, dudes!

Goals

Today I biked 300 miles, meeting my current daily goal. Yay!! It's been difficult to do, since I have a full time job, I raise farm animals, have 3 hours of derby practice each day and grow and make all of my food. But if you set your mind to something, anyone can do it. I get so tired of hearing people complain about how much they have to do. Seriously people, it's not that hard. Today I woke up, biked 150 miles to the beach and back, swam at the beach to cool off before I returned, lifted weights, fed the chickens, walked my dog, ground my dog's food in the hand mill, milked my goat,  painted a picture, fixed the antique car engine I've been working on lately, chopped some wood, harvested vegetables, made buckwheat noodles and pesto from scratch for my lunch, showered, and biked to work. I feel great! I brought a serious protein smoothie with me which was awesome!! My coworkers looked at me funny for drinking this green thick warm smoothie but they have no idea what they're missing! Anyway, then I had to go sit in a meeting with idiots for 4 hours. People are SO DUMB. Thanks facebook for entertaining me during my meeting! I left work and biked another 150, no big deal. Biking is so easy. Anyone can do it. It's time for me to demo my basement steps. It'll just take me a minute. Tomorrow before work I'll rebuild. I hope my legs aren't too sore tomorrow.

MMMMMilk.

 Everyone drinks milk.  Cow milk, almond milk, soy milk, help milk.  You know , the usual.  I was so bored with the usual so I decided to get a goat for my own, fresh, all natural goat milk.  I could have gone to a farm to guy a goat, or rescue a goat, but I figured it would be totally easy to hunt a goat in the streets of my neighborhood, so that's what I did.  I just went to the corner of Somerset and Kensington and waited with Cy Cy.  We patiently did squats and planks while we waited, it didn't take long at all.  Three days later I came home with Mr. Cranky. We came home and she made herself comfy in the back farm area.  She made friends with CyCy and the chickens immediately.  She didn't have anywhere to sleep so I made her a crate, it was easy.  I just had to chop down some trees.  Good thing I brought my ax home from the shop last week.  It just took a few minutes and she had a crate that was almost as comfy as my bed.  It is totally easy to milk a goat, all you have to do is put the feeder on the milking stand and place some grain in it.  Then you catch the goat, which really isn't a challenge at all because Mr. Cranky loves me already.  We are like totally BFFs.  Then you just wash down the udder and teats with the sterilized cloth and warm water, wring out cloth and wipe down. I was able to sterilize the cloth in my solar sterilization unit.  I built that three weeks ago, it just took a few minutes.  Anyone can do it, really.  Once the teats are washed, wrap your thumb and forefinger around the base of the teat tightly enough to trap the milk inside the teat. Squeeze with your middle finger, then your ring finger, and then your pinky, in one smooth, successive motion. Keep your grip tight on the base of the teat, or else instead of going into the bucket, the milk will slip right back up into the udder. Totally not the effect you are going for.  Alternate, with one teat being squeezed while the other refills. With practice, you will find an efficient rhythm. Then, once it seems like you have all of the milk you can drink it straight from the bucket, like I did.  Then I made cheese and it was totally easy, anyone can do it. 

Weirdo

This morning I walked into my office and the guard said ‘you look like a wild one!’  I gave him a weird look.  I was wearing a plaid shirt, jeans and cowboy boots, how does this make me look like a wild one?  That’s what you say to someone at 8am in an office building?  Weirdo.

Flour

So I have been completely underwhelmed by the quality of the bread products in my neighborhood. My assumption is that the flour that is used to create these inedible concoctions was chemically treated and over processed. I figured it would be fairly easy to make my own, superior product, so I decided to start with the flour.

I have some of the purest wheat flown in from Iowa (or Kansas) so that I could start from a good base. Utilizing my carpentry skills I made some tiered beds on my roof. After it was grown, I harvested it with my bare hands and kept it in bushes tied off with yarn I made from my sheep. The tricky part was going to be grinding this down.

After excavating a large chunk of limestone from a nearby quarry, I began to shape it into a millstone using the techniques developed in the early 12th century. Once I had the wheel set up, I lashed my dog to the mechanism so that he could pull it around and help me make the flour.

All in all, it was pretty easy.